A Laundry List I Like

As we continue to find our groove in the new place, I am often overwhelmed with gratitude for the grace and blessings showered on us thus far. When I'm having a "meh" day, these are the things I think of:

The Voyage: After an overly-eventful move to Del Rio from Michigan, and a wild trip home for Christmas last year, I still look back on our trip from Del Rio to New Jersey and marvel at how wonderfully boring it was! This was phenomenal because, on top of traveling much further, we graduated from a 10' truck for our first move to a 26' truck for this one, and we towed our new car on the back. While it was a bit more expensive than we had hoped, we, and our stuff, made it entirely unscathed. And those who've moved several times know that "miraculous" is the only word to describe the fact that none of our household goods broke en route!

The Move-In: The dream house I scouted out while we were still in Del Rio disappeared off the market when we got here. (It was a long shot to begin with; they were selling, we wanted to rent.) We had high hopes for base housing; they were quickly deflated. With just 5 days to move in somewhere before Eric had to go to training, the dream house fell into our lap. And they were wanting to rent! Not only that, but Eric was also able to move his training dates back a few days to help me move in. Our house is wonderful, the landlords are amazing, and the neighborhood is ideal.

THE PEOPLE!: I can't say enough about the amazing people we've met here thus far. I didn't realize how "homey" Del Rio felt until I was here--in a new house, in a new place, over a holiday--alone. Between the awesome couples in our squadron and the amazing people we've gotten to know at church, we continue to meet incredible people. Having learned in Del Rio that the people, not the place, make the experience, we are so excited about our new friendships here. This is sure to be a memorable 4 years.

The Church: We look forward to church every Sunday; the messages are relevant, the music is wonderful, and the people are genuine. To us, the best church is one where you feel that the people you meet on Sunday are the same people Monday-Saturday. The best church is one where you feel welcome and inspired. And the best church can be hard to find, especially when you're new to the area. We planned on visiting several churches for several weeks each to get a feel for each one. Our plan was clearly not God's plan. We felt at home from the moment we walked in the front door of the first church on the list. We knew this place was for us. Thank God for His leading, because the people we met there that first week were so wonderful to me while Eric was gone in the following weeks. There's just nothing like a church family.

Our Families: I could bore you for hours with how thankful I am for my family. I'm biased, but I think they're some of the coolest, smartest, most fun people on the planet. I grew up with very supportive parents and unique, fun siblings to hang out with and learn from. I'm also thankful for Eric's family. As a newlywed, the nightmare-ish in-law stories are endless. Thank God I don't have one of those stories to tell! I love them as my own family; they're genuine, fun, so comfortable to be around, and respectful of our relationship (something so many people don't have in their in-laws). And they all live in the same city! We are so blessed to have such a strong foundation of support.

And, on a personal note,
My Husband: Some days I get restless when I'm home. Alone. All day. Without a car. (We only have one.) But then I remind myself how lucky I am that we can afford for me not work. I also remember that it will be such a blessing to our marriage to have flexible hours when he is constantly coming and going. Sure, it's not always comfortable, but we do it, and the lessons we're learning about teamwork and financial management are invaluable. For me, working just for a paycheck is not worth it (unless we truly need the money, but then I'm not just working for a paycheck; I'm working to help support our family, which is always worthwhile). I want to work for fulfillment. I want to work to make a difference. I'm so blessed to have a husband that puts in long hours almost every day, fulfilling his dreams, defending our country, supporting us, and affording me the opportunity to seek work that inspires me. Furthermore, I'm so blessed that he understands and supports me in every way, including my choice to seek only those opportunities that mean something to me or others, paid or not. He shares my feeling that while money is necessary for living comfortably, it does nothing for the soul. And in these times of greed and gluttony, that's a rare point of view. I'm so thankful we're on the same page.


What are you thankful for? As cliche as it is, sometimes getting out of a funk is as easy as counting your blessings. I know this new year will bring lots of excitement, and with several missions and a first deployment on the horizon, some sizable trials. If 2010 taught me anything, it was that the mountain is never as tall as you think it is, and even "faith as small as a mustard seed" can make the climb easier and more often than not, enjoyable. For 2011, a mustard seed isn't enough for me; I'm planting a garden.

Philippians 4:19

I think it's safe to speak for many when I say that sometimes military families just want to feel "normal". We want to get involved in the community, pretend we'll be here forever (that is, if we like it), and blend in. But due to the obvious, that's hard. Hard, because it's also very important to some to feel supported and understood in how our daily life operates. Not every non-military person understands or agrees with my reasons for not working right now; few fellow military spouses will question it. On top of that, so many non-military people try to "understand", but rather than simply listening, their way of "understanding" is attempting to identify in ways they just can't. Unless it is carefully said and appropriately applied, "oh, everyone goes through something like that" does not often make me feel less different from a non-mil person; it only minimizes my feelings, as well-intentioned as it may be. To be clear, this does not only pertain to the challenges but also the privileges of our unique lives. Such a communicative divide creates an admittedly self-inflicted, but seemingly unavoidable in-group, out-group situation, an "us and them" sort of relationship with everyone. Sometimes you prefer "us" for identification and support, and sometimes you want "them" to help you feel like you're still appreciated by--and part of--the rest of the world.

And yet...

Last Friday I helped decorate the church for Christmas. Have I expressed how WONDERFUL the people are there?! My first week in town a nice family at church invited me to Thanksgiving because they heard I'd be alone. And while decking the halls, another amazing woman I'm getting to know (we'll call her Jenny) showed me that while there are sometimes clearly-drawn lines between mil and non-mil, the right kind of friendships can transcend those lines and make one feel totally appreciated, understood, and valued-- independent of the labels.
Jenny had military friends who do the exact same job Eric does, but she still wanted to hear about our experience. She did not once claim to "get it" or say that she "totally understands", even though she has heard the same story several times before. She showed such genuine interest in our lifestyle, our first year of marriage, and how I personally am doing in this whole new world. This meant more to me than I could've known before our conversation started. I didn't even know I was needing that kind of personal attention! Most meaningful to me was that, while she acknowledged that Eric and I are a team, she made it clear that she specifically wanted to know how I was handling all the craziness of the past year. So often people focus on how cool the job is, all the incredible stuff and hard work that goes on in Eric's day-to-day, and simply forget that we are individuals as well. That the "support staff" has a life and interests and feelings that don't pertain to the Air Force bubble. That after all, while it may be more consuming than some, this is one person's career; there is another person involved and there are still many other facets to our life, just like that of anyone else. (Thankfully, my husband is most definitely not one of those people.) Don't get me wrong; I have, for the most part, enjoyed being Eric's answering service and main source of Eric-related updates (hey, I'm very proud of him, too!), but it was incredibly refreshing to have someone ask about me. Maybe this all sounds quite selfish, but even Eric notices people's lack of awareness where I'm concerned. He's often hyper-aware of keeping conversation on "us" and not just "him" when catching up with old friends and extended family. He did not even like that his graduation picture is on our Christmas card this year! I told him he was being ridiculous. :) (Did I mention how blessed I am to have such a considerate, tuned-in teammate?!)

By the end of our conversation, it was clear to Jenny and I that our impromptu girl-talk was definitely "a God thing". And oh, how awesome it was to randomly connect with another Christian woman like that!! She and her husband invited Eric and I on a double-date to their favorite spots in Philly, and she offered to use her contacts to help me come up with creative ways to work and find fulfillment outside of the conventional 9-5. Jenny was God's way of showing me that He is paying attention, He knows what I need, and He will provide. Friends, jobs, contentment, value-- He's got it all covered. I left feeling a little ashamed of my lacking faith and grateful for yet more grace and for a wonderful new friend. Through Jenny, God showed me that while we all have differences, the labels are optional and the lines are drawn in pencil. And He is capable of removing both.

All I Want For Christmas...

The tree is up, the house is decorated (and nearing completely unpacked status!), and the Christmas season is in full swing. There's a lot to look forward to this year, too. Tomorrow is the squadron Christmas party--our first ever "real Air Force" function! (After a year in the transient training world, it's exciting to be included in the "Permanent Party Club".)  

We're also really looking forward to going home for Christmas, even if only for two days. (Yea, two. Not including the 24 hours of driving involved. We might be insane.) We love our new home, our new town, etc., but not having established relationships here yet makes the the idea of spending the holidays with family even more exciting.

I think everyone struggles with something, especially after a big move. For some, it's getting organized or lacking routine; for others, it's finding purpose in a new place. For me, it's establishing relationships. Okay, maybe I struggle with all of those things, but relationships are the hardest. Much unlike my social butterfly pilot (who also has a built-in social network of sorts), I'm terrible at it. I always have been. (If you haven't caught the hint, this is about to get very vulnerable; there, you've been warned.) Despite what many people perceive, I am extremely self-conscious and socially insecure. Especially when it comes to making girl friends. I want to have friends who understand me, who enjoy spending time with me, who come to me when they need someone to talk to. And I hate being new, so I want these BFFs right away. But in all of my "please get me!" nervousness, I go about earning this comradery by talking too much, sharing too soon, and totally freaking people out (or so it seems). Once I'm good and misunderstood, I proceed to guess the impression I made and analyze every social interaction ad nauseum until I am even more unsure of my likeability and no closer to having friends. Ugh; it's exhausting. All this lonely new kid business makes me so thankful for my family, my deep friendship with my husband and for the few close friends God has blessed me with. Not only do I value those relationships so much, but they also help me to know that, despite what I assume others' initial opinions of me may suggest, I actually do have a lot to offer a friend. (See, I told you I over-analyze.)
Dear Santa, I will practice not being a socially awkward weirdo if you will please bring me some friends for Christmas. Preferably ones who don't put all their eggs in the first impression basket; I sometimes need lots of do-overs.

Life 101: Growing Pains and the Pursuit of Happiness

Well, we're all moved in! The new place is beautiful, and after a year in Del Rio I'm still in a bit of shock over how much shopping is less than five miles from our front door! HomeGoods, Pottery Barn, clothing stores, and Starbucks! Mmmm, Vanilla Rooibos lattes. Needless to say, I may need to find a job sooner than later...

 

As Eric has been away since the beginning of the month, I've spent most of my time organizing and unpacking. (He left 5 days after move-in!) I can't wait to have him back so we can explore the area together. So far, I've found a great church, connected with the spouses group, and can navigate to all the essentials sans GPS. With amazing farmer's markets, outlet malls (with tax-free clothing shopping in NJ!!), Space A trips to Europe, and Philadelphia and NYC easily accessible, the next three years are guaranteed to hold a lot of fun! 

With all the excitement of change, however, comes a healthy dose of stress. After a crazy couple months that included the end of UPT, graduation, and moving, Eric had to find the extra energy and stamina for a month of 'round-the-clock intense training in WA. I have had to unpack, get organized, and do all the ancillary tasks involved in establishing our life here on my own. Ah, the military life! For me, the magnitude of it all is starting to sink in. I'm sure several years and several moves from now my reaction to such chaos will more closely resemble that of the "all-in-a-day's-work" variety. As I experience more, I truly do admire the seasoned military wives who make these and more difficult adjustments so gracefully--and they do so with kids! For me, and for now, I've allowed myself to be overwhelmed for a minute. As someone who likes to be the best at everything I do, it has taken me a moment to be okay with not feeling 100% awesome and emotionally on top of it through all of the madness; I'd rather just handle it like someone who's done it 12 times already. The reality is I am inexperienced, so no one (but myself) is expecting me to handle it like a pro (and if they are, well, sorry to disappoint). Allowing myself to feel what I feel: Coping Skill #1.  Exercise--Coping Skill #2. Whether it's the endorphins, or the complete, mind-clearing focus on physical exertion, working out really helps me feel like I can tackle the day with a positive, motivated attitude. Aside from the obvious health benefits, the improved body image is a nice bonus, too. Writing-- Coping Skill #3. Indulgent? Maybe; you decide. Helpful? Yep. So, if you're bored, feel free to stop reading.

Things I've learned in the last month: 

-- Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. (Not that I wasn't quite fond before.)

-- We have too much stuff. (I can't imagine what adding kids will be like...)

-- I really don't like hanging things. (Thank goodness I have a handy husband.)

-- Beginnings are hard (but not impossible).

I've also learned--or more accurately, I'm still learning--where personal happiness comes from. And am I ever thankful I'm learning this one early! As a newlywed, it's easy and comfortable and oh-so-seemingly-romantic to wrap oneself up in her spouse, putting him at the top of her world. And to a certain extent it's pretty natural, and certainly common. Furthermore, for most, this can go on until one or both parties falls from Newlywed Cloud Nine and into what the marital vets call Life After The Honeymoon Phase.  Not so in the military marriage; the lifestyle often requires that said pedestal-ed spouse be temporarily removed from your everyday existence. Before you have a chance to fall from newlywed heaven. Immediately after moving to a new town. Buh-bye, excitement/happiness/insert-positive-emotion-here. (Note: This is not to say that non-mil couples don't grow out of the "you complete me, you are my whole world" phase. I'm merely suggesting that this particular lesson is one that I would guess a lot of military couples learn earlier as a result of the chosen lifestyle.) Through this I'm learning that my husband, while I may feel him deserving of it, cannot be my #1. It should not and cannot be his responsibility to be the be-all, end-all of my daily life; can you say pressure?! While I've logically understood it for quite a long time, I've just begun feeling the necessity for God to be in that position in order to experience the contentedness, joy, and stress-free warm fuzzies that I enjoy in my husband's company. I will even go so far as to say that I thought I was putting God first--only to have it revealed to me that this is, in fact, not the case. To be clear: While I'm genuinely thankful for the opportunity to grow, I do not like this revelation. I do not like it at all. In all of our cutesy marital bliss, it is a total buzz-kill to take my unyielding focus off of Eric and hold him second to He who cannot hold my hand or kiss me goodnight. But alas, this is what is expected of me as a believer. It is hard, and it is definitely not an overnight shift. Which brings me to the next life lesson: how do I go about growing spiritually when I don't necessarily want to grow in that area, but know I need to? (Because let's be real, initially we like where we are better sometimes. I like putting Eric first; it's easy. And for right now, it's as fulfilling as I know "fulfilling" to be in some ways.) I've found the answer through a comment in passing made by a fellow military spouse I admire very much. Coincidentally, it's the same bit of biting wisdom my mom used to offer when I complained that I didn't like to do a particular chore: "Lucky for you, 'liking' it isn't a requirement; you don't have to like it, you just have to do it." Said another way, don't wait for emotions to motivate action; rather, take action to motivate emotion. Now I know there's some psychological study somewhere that discusses which of the two actually comes first, action or emotion. Regardless, in this case, I believe the following statement to be true: when you do what you know you're supposed to do, you'll eventually feel the way you're supposed to feel. I've lost count of how many life factors to which this truth applies--exercise, relationships, eating right, spiritual growth-- and yet, it's pervasiveness doesn't necessarily make it easier to implement. Thank God for prayer.

Along with all of this really heavy--valuable, but heavy--stuff, there are a few upsides to TDYs and deployments.  First, the opportunity to grow as an individual. When you're left with only yourself all day, everyday, there's a lot of time to explore areas to improve and there is no one around to use as a distraction or an excuse. This can mean deep personal growth (see above) or simply seeking out a new hobby or passion. The latter is often initially motivated by the desire to keep busy while the hubby is away, but can end up serving the immediate personal purposes while adding a lot to the relationship later, as well. Case in point: I've really enjoyed making up new recipes, but want to learn more, so we're taking up cooking lessons! Also, it seems that TDYs and deployments come at just the right time. You know, that week that you're just irked by every little stupid thing: he forgot to take the garbage out again, he's chewing too loudly, you really do not want to watch the Military channel or the History channel. Just as you're getting on each others' nerves, poof! He's gone, and suddenly it's like you're in a long-distance dating relationship again! You can't seem to talk to each other enough, you're flirty and lovey and sweet on the phone, and there's the promise of an uber-romantic date night immediately upon his return. Yep, definitely looking forward to that date...and I kinda miss the loud chewing, too.  :)